


Places

by princessbekker



Series: Family!Verse [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Sad, Unhealthy Coping, zara is out of town and nick is moping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 17:58:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18878314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessbekker/pseuds/princessbekker
Summary: Nick is worried for Zara





	Places

For the first time in three months, Nick and Sonny have the apartment to themselves. It’s just the two of them here, sitting at their little table over last night’s leftovers. Sonny reheated them, but they still feel cold in Nick’s throat with the absence of his daughter at the table beside him. The third chair at the table feels like a punch in the stomach.

“She’s only gone a couple weeks, doll,” Sonny says gently, reaching over the table to take one of Nick’s hands. His hand is warm, firm, capable. That of a man who always makes sure everything is okay, who will hold Nick whenever he starts to fall apart. “Then she’ll be back.  We won the custody case, she’s just wrapping up loose ends.”

“Shouldn’t we- shouldn’t we be there for her?”

Like always, Sonny calmly provides the rational thought that Nick struggles with sometimes in his emotion. “We don’t have the money for that right now, Nicky. We just spent a lot on a lawyer, and on moving so we could win custody. She’s gonna be just fine, and we’ll be there to pick her up from the airport.”

Although Nick nods, it doesn’t really calm him down. Of course Sonny is right, but that doesn’t mean it really sinks in for him right away. He’ll hold onto his anxiety about this until he knows Zara is home safe from her crazy mother, no longer subject to tyrannical rule. She’ll be alright, he tells himself, and tells himself again because he didn’t believe it the first time. There may eventually come a day when he’s able to let go of that, but it’ll take a lot of time, and probably a lot of talking things through with the therapist he can’t afford this month, even though he doesn’t have to pay child support anymore.

He can’t stomach more than a couple bites of food before he’s putting the lid back on it and putting it in the fridge to reheat and not eat later. Maybe. Sonny sighs, but doesn’t stop him from going to their bedroom to sulk with the lights off. All he can think about is how he hasn’t been the father he should be, and will never be able to completely make up for all the time he’s missed, all the things he’s never gotten to do or say. Some way or another, he’ll fix this. It’ll take time, though, is the problem. He cannot fix it in a heartbeat.

For some time, he lays there by himself, subject to the pain in his heart and his temples until Sonny comes in a while later. He doesn’t pull the covers off of Nick, but lays down beside him and throws an arm around his waist. Comforting weight, warmth, something to help calm down the firing nerves that have him tensing enough for his bad knee to ache like it hasn’t since he and Sonny took Zara walking through the huge market on Staten.

“What can I do to help?”

Nick almost cries, because that’s all Sonny ever does, ever wants to do, is help people because he’s a good man and a better husband. Instead, he turns over and cups Sonny’s face, rubs his thumbs over sharp cheeks because he can.

“Take my mind off things?” he asks, pleads really.

Before he can repeat himself, Sonny’s lips are on his and he can lose himself in it. Sonny kisses with his whole body. He kisses with his hands on Nick’s hips, with their legs tangled together, with his chest firm against Nick’s. It’s impossible to be anywhere else when they’re kissing, which is exactly why it works so well to help Nick get out of his own head during times like this. The freedom. He can fall apart, and give up everything to Sonny, and know he’s safe and will be put back together before he falls asleep. And any residual cracks in his armor will be repaired come morning.

When Sonny rolls over on top of him, Nick wraps his legs around Sonny’s waist to get as close together as they can manage. Maybe the closeness will help him stop thinking about what a failure he is as a parent. As a human being. He should’ve known something was wrong and helped Zara sooner. Stopped Maria.

“Hey, hey, Nicky. Look at me.”

Nick opens his eyes, his lashes sticking together with tears he didn’t know he was shedding. Sonny kisses them away, so gentle, so loving. So everything Nick has ever wanted or needed.

“You’re not here, doll.”

And he knows that phrase, because Sonny uses it frequently, whenever Nick gets too in his head, whether it be his anxieties or his PTSD or anything else. Sometimes he isn’t here, but he needs to be. That was the problem just now, the fact that he needs to be here when he and Sonny are kissing or more, and he was using the action so he wouldn’t be. It’s something they worked past a long time ago, but old habits die hard, like the energy drinks in the back of the fridge Nick goes back to every few days when he starts to feel out of control and needs something to put his mind back into action. He can think when he’s hopped on caffeine, even if it isn’t coherent.

Nick lets his limbs fall down to the bed, and curls back against Sonny’s chest once they’re side by side again. He can always rely on this, on being held, on being safe. 

“She’s going to be okay. And, she’ll be home before you know it,” Sonny reminds, smiling a little. “Zara’s smart, and she’s capable, and-”

“I’m sorry.”

In an instant, Sonny is sitting up with a serious expression on his face, trying to decipher why Nick said that. He does that to those closest to him just as much as he does to perps. By his very nature, he’s curious and likes to understand, and it’s a part of him that Nick both loves  and despises. Now, Nick has to prop himself up on his elbows too.

“When you said you wanted kids, I know you meant like, a baby, or a toddler. Not my sixteen year old estranged daughter with attachment issues and anxiety and-”

His words are cut off by Sonny kissing him again, always perfect. “Maybe that’s what I was thinking of, but she’s your daughter. Our daughter. Our family, Nicky, and that’s all I could’ve ever wanted. Even if she isn’t what I daydreamed about, that doesn’t change the fact that she’s ours and I’m going to take care of her like I would someone we raised their whole life. You don’t have to worry about me, I promise.”

At Nick’s hesitation to respond, Sonny pulls back. He’s always so smart. Too smart.

“Tell me what this is really about, because I know it’s not that you don’t love or want Zara.”

There are a thousand reasons Nick is scared and worried and upset and angry, but instead of voicing any of it, he shakes his head and shuts his eyes, hoping to just sleep through the night and feel better in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @beelivia


End file.
